Inner Flames

I look over and my bead table and it calls my name .. very softly .. and from a distance.  I go over to say hello.. try to sit and work .. something is just off .. I'm not really sure what, but it is and I can feel it.. 

I don't want to stop making jewelry .. definitely not .. I have hoarded and loved my beads and supplies as a hamster hoards its food in its puffy puffy cheeks....

A part of me longs to know if there is more.. any more out there.. I know that I haven't found my passion..  passion .. what is my passion .. and this is where my story will begin to change.. 

  A very wise woman ( I mean she is wise ya'll) told me some things that have inspired me so much to continue my artistic journey .. a journey of self discovery .. 

"Your passion doesn't have to be one media"  

Say what?! huh?! I mean really this never even occurred to me.. I thought that if I wanted to make jewelry that's what I did .. if I want to knit, sew, crochet then working with fiber is what I do .. I could only choose one.. 

"Consider yourself an artist that works in multiple medias"  

Really?!  I can do that?  I don't have to solely focus on one thing.. and feel like a failure when it doesn't call to me anymore... but when that one thing doesn't call to me anymore I can press pause and work on something else?  really?  I can?  Ok.. most of you are probably going like DUH Michelle - really!  But this was THE moment for me.. that one moment that you know changes who you think you are ...

"Enjoy the process...Don't fret about the destination" 

WOW!  The words... I mean wow!  I can do that? I don't have to worry whether other people will like my work ... don't have to worry about what others say or think or feel or tell me ...  I don't have to worry that 'i need to be just like everyone else'? ...

Hmmm.

Art and being creative are not words that I would use to describe myself... analytical, prepared.. and *gasp* grown up.. Those are words that I would use to describe me... But there is something missing.. a big huge piece of something missing.. I can feel the hole where it should be .. but what is it?.. can this be it? 

Can it be that allowing myself to feel, think, and act freely without thoughts to who will like it.. or what they will say.. or what others may think.. that this may be the path to finding the piece of me that is missing? 

I am constantly trying to put myself into the categories that others want me in .. good wife .. good mother.. good employee.. good student .. good daughter .. *gasp* grown up.. responsible.. mature .. and the list can go on and on and on and ... 

What about what I want me to be?... when did I decide that it was ok to let that go?.. to conform myself to the expectations of others.. to allow them to push me, pull me, mold me .. into what they want me to be? 

To give up on me? 

Where did the girl inside of me go? .. the one that loved adventure and risk and love .. and the world? .. the one that liked to explore and experiment .. that loved to write stories and poems .. that loved to doodle and draw .. that loved music and art and was able to find the beauty in the world around her?  (cause let me tell you, it has been gray over here for a while)

Well world .. that girl is back after some prodding and arguing with my inner self ..  Let me tell you those were some interesting conversations.. From inspiration from a very wise woman.. my artist journey is starting fresh and new.. there will still be jewelry but there will also be more.. and I hope that you will still continue to follow me as I pursue my passions (for I truly believe, now, that no one thing can contain me) .. The journey will get awfully lonely without all of you with me.. 

and as a VERY WISE WOMAN told me recently .. 

"YOU NEED TO GIVE YOUR INNER FLAMES SOME OXYGEN"

So I say to you (and myself) Go outside your 'norm' .. try something new and creative ... and do it for yourself and no one else 

Much love 

Shell