Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Revelations

For the past few weeks, I have been contemplating my life
I really hate that introspection that leaves
me feeling unfinished, unhappy
My biggest revelation
It is MY life
It does not belong to anyone else.. Only me .. Mine .. I am in charge
I make the decisions...I am the boss of me

All of my life - and I mean all of my life - I have worried about others..
what others have thought about me .. how they think about me .. what others need from me
what I can do to make others happy.. how can I fit in

I have realized that those things that have made me truly happy and content, 
I have done because I wanted to do them
Its sad to say, but the very first decision that I made that truly made me happy 
was deciding to step out of others expectations of me and start dating my husband.

There was a ruckus.. a big, huge ruckus....when I made this decision
He was (many years ago) 29 years old,
divorced with 3 little boys
and here I was in my 2nd year (of my first attempt at college) 19 years old
You can imagine how this conversation with my parents went

The next decision that made me truly happy was deciding
that I was ready to be a mom.
It didn't matter to me that I wasn't married
I was (and still am) in love with the man that I was (am) with

I would like to say that all my decisions before and after were 
based on what I wanted and not what others wanted of me
but then I would be lying.. and I hate that.

The ones that matter are 
finding a true best friend
(you know the kind that seem to be the missing part of you)
deciding to have my second son
deciding to finally marry my love
deciding to accept custody of my wonderful step children
deciding to go back to school (bachelor's)
deciding to go back to school again (master's)

My life has been hard.. no need to go into the gory details
all of that is behind me and I very much dislike to dwell
on these horrible things from my past.
There may still be hard times in my future,
but i have love - true love - to help me through

I feel like a 60 year-old woman in the body of a 30-something year old
When did I stop allowing myself to have fun?
Wait? What? Have I ever allowed myself to really have fun?

So my revelation for the new year - because I REFUSE to call it 
a resolution - is to allow myself to have more fun
Yes ALLOW myself
I have been the one that has been making me feeling
like I am on the outside looking in
unwanted, unloved

I want to be happy being on the outside.. a misfit
that is who I am
The struggling and fighting to fit in with everyone else
and their expectations of me
is making me miserable

So here's to a new year of
making more decision that make ME happy
allow me to be creative
allow me to find myself
to be comfortable with who I am

I hope that each of you have a truly blessed new year
Here's to 2012

Much Love,


  1. Wow, Thank you for opening up and sharing with all of us. I have always liked what I see in you, and reading this gives me a new level of understanding. I think you are a great person, and I hope your 2012 turns out the way you hope for. Hugs!