There are only a few things that bring with them that all encompassing feeling of fear. Last night I came face to face with one of those things again. At this exact moment in time, it seems somewhat silly to have been as fearful as I was last night.
My family is my everything. Those of you who have been following my blog or are facebook friends with me, know this already. The most central point of my everything is my husband. I know that it seems corny and cliche to say things like 'he completes me' or 'he is my everything' or 'he is the yin to my yang' (yeah I do say that all the time!) There will be some of you who feel the same way about your spouse or significant other, and others who may not understand the depth of these feelings because you haven't yet met 'the one'.
In the emergency room, with my husband Thursday, I was full of fear. The words 'emergency surgery' are scary words. An unlikely word - Iodine - may not seem like a scary word to some, but with a husband who is allergic, 'CT with contrast' is just as scary as all the others words spoken to me that night.
I tried to explain, but my words seemed to be falling on deaf ears.. They took him .. away .. when is he coming back? was everything going to be ok? I will be all alone.. A piece of me will be missing.. Please bring him back to me. These words were spoken by me that night when he was taken for the CT and again when he was taken for surgery. The last 24 hours have been filled with fear.
Without knowing all of my husband's extensive medical history, it may seem (to some) that I was overreacting. Appendectomies are done all the time.. routine surgery.. minimal complications, etc etc.. But for someone, like my husband, who has never been able to have a 'routine surgery' in his life these words are less than comforting.
I was scared, terrified... crying, praying... scared, scared, scared. He is the center of my life.. He holds me together.. he gives me solid ground... he completes all of the missing parts of me to make me whole... he is my husband... he is my children's father.. he is everything ..
Those awful minutes and hours of fear still haunt me.. I cry .. the kids don't understand.. So I hide it as if it is something to be ashamed of..trying not to scare the kids ..
Now it is ok.. he is home.. he is ok.. I can breathe again.. Today all those fears are relieved.. he is better.. he is going to be ok.. My life is settling back into its normal rhythm... He is home..
You are all so wonderful to listen while I vent and put my fear into words.. to share with all of you the fear.. letting me release it ... through writing, talking, sharing