Fear

There are only a few things that bring with them that all encompassing feeling of fear.  Last night I came face to face with one of those things again. At this exact moment in time, it seems somewhat silly to have been as fearful as I was last night.

My family is my everything.  Those of you who have been following my blog or are facebook friends with me, know this already.  The most central point of my everything is my husband.  I know that it seems corny and cliche to say things like 'he completes me' or 'he is my everything' or 'he is the yin to my yang' (yeah I do say that all the time!)  There will be some of you who feel the same way about your spouse or significant other, and others who may not understand the depth of these feelings because you haven't yet met 'the one'.

In the emergency room, with my husband Thursday, I was full of fear.  The words 'emergency surgery' are scary words.  An unlikely word - Iodine - may not seem like a scary word to some, but with a husband who is allergic, 'CT with contrast' is just as scary as all the others words spoken to me that night.

I tried to explain, but my words seemed to be falling on deaf ears.. They took him .. away .. when is he coming back?  was everything going to be ok? I will be all alone.. A piece of me will be missing.. Please bring him back to me.   These words were spoken by me that night when he was taken for the CT and again when he was taken for surgery.  The last 24 hours have been filled with fear.

Without knowing all of my husband's extensive medical history, it may seem (to some) that I was overreacting.  Appendectomies are done all the time.. routine surgery.. minimal complications, etc etc.. But for someone, like my husband, who has never been able to have a 'routine surgery' in his life these words are less than comforting.

I was scared, terrified... crying, praying... scared, scared, scared.  He is the center of my life.. He holds me together.. he gives me solid ground... he completes all of the missing parts of me to make me whole... he is my husband... he is my children's father.. he is everything ..

Those awful minutes and hours of fear still haunt me.. I cry .. the kids don't understand..  So I hide it as if it is something to be ashamed of..trying not to scare the kids ..

Now it is ok.. he is home.. he is ok.. I can breathe again.. Today all those fears are relieved.. he is better.. he is going to be ok.. My life is settling back into its normal rhythm... He is home..

You are all so wonderful to listen while I vent and put my fear into words.. to share with all of you the fear.. letting me release it ... through writing, talking, sharing

Much love,
Shell

Reveal Day!

Just wanted to update all of you my wonderful readers with some important dates.  Today is the reveal day for a couple of goings on in the bead world.

Today is the reveal for Michelle Mach's Secret Snowflake Challenge.  Although I didn't participate in the challenge this time, the reveal pieces are inspiring and beautiful.  Here is the list of participants.  Check them out to see all the different creations using this kit.  Each artist has her own ideas of how to use these beautiful components.

Today is also the reveal day for the Bead Soup Blog Party participant's list.  I know that I will be on the edge of my seat all day today waiting for the reveal - wondering if I was lucky enough to be included in this round.  Lori Anderson is such an amazing artist, mother and business woman.  If you don't already, you need to be reading her blog Pretty Things.  It takes an impressive amount of time to randomize all of the participants, then to pair up the lucky 200 chosen jewelry artists.  

Good Luck to everyone who has entered!  AND don't forget to take a look at all of the wonderful creations in Michelle's challenge.

Much Love, 

Shell

5th Bead Soup Blog Party

There is still time to sign of up for the ever popular 5th Bead Soup Blog Party hosted by Lori Anderson of Pretty Things.   Sign ups end on Monday January 9th - so if you are interested you need to hop on over to Lori's blog and complete the registration form using the link above.  This party will be run on a lottery system limiting participants to 200 wonderful jewelry artisans.

As a former participant (and hopeful participant in this party) it is an experience that you don't want to miss out on.  Go ahead sign up, if you are lucky enough to earn a spot I can't wait to see what you make!  If, by chance, you don't get chosen this time, never fear - Be ready for the blog hop on March 3rd to see what wonderful creations are displayed.

Much love & Good luck
Shell

Progress .. It's early but I'm smiling

Ok ok .. So I have seen so many posts about a word of the year.  

I have no idea if I have a word of the year...

Most of the time I have no idea what time or what day it is - 

my brain can only hold so much information at once and I think that it's on overload.

I swear every time I learn something new, it feels like I have forgotten something else...

One day I fear that I will forget how to swallow (again - yes it has happened before)

I think that I would like to have a word of the year

I would most definitely love it to be honest

There are so many words swimming around in my mind

I will have to try to circle them around to come up with a word or phrase 

that fits my goals for the year

Stay tuned for that 'Revelation'

I would love to lose some weight and get fit and healthy again

I know that this is one of my goals for the year

I think that I have found a way to start me on my path.

The Kinect for the Xbox 360 is AWESOME!

I have exercised at least an hour - seriously at least an hour more like two - every day this week

It may seem lazy to some to call a video game exercise

but until you try it you have no idea how much exercise it really is.

Plus I did get a fitness game to go with the other games (sneaky)

The kids and I put in a game and play, play, play

It may look like fun on the tv commercials - and it is - but it is a big ole workout in disguise

Check out some YouTube videos if you don't wanna take my couch potato word for it :) 

I have been smiling, smiling, smiling that last few days

knowing that my kids and I have spent so much time together 

just playing and having fun

exercising without having to call it exercise

Now to work on drinking water rather than soda or sweet tea

that is going to be super duper super duper 

HARD

It is necessary though - a must above all other musts 

(ok except for maybe the exercising thing)

Not only will I feel better, I will stop taking in extra 'empty' calories

and I will stop dehydrating myself which leads

to my sinus issues acting up 

which leads to migraines

So WATER is on my list this year

To digress here - 

This morning my doggy went psycho (I swear it runs in my family) 

and bit my youngest on the face 

Yeah I said FACE
So said doggy is now in need of new home (I cannot send him to a shelter)

One ER visit later, I called in sick to work and spent the rest of today snuggled up to my baby 

indulging him in whatever his little heart desired

movies, candy, hot chocolate, board games, and books

we even spent some time playing with clay - 

me working on some new ideas for pendants,

he was creating something out of a science fiction movie

Getting him in the shower this evening was a BIG accomplishment.. let me tell ya

I spent time working on ideas for pendants.

Did I really say that? I believe that I did

I know that one of my goals for 2012 will be to focus on creating my own beads and focal pieces

I love love love using handmade to create handmade 

I will still be out there using handmade by other artists

but I KNOW that I want to learn new techniques 

that may not necessarily result in a finished piece of jewelry

So let's see what did I forget? - Oh yeah!!! 

Project Runway All-Stars started tonight,

but I won't be able to watch until tomorrow

So SHHH to those of ya'll already watching

And there is something else 

OH YEAH 

Sign Ups for the 

5TH Bead Soup Blog Party

start TOMORROW!! 

I hope hope hope that I win the 

beady lottery and get to participate again.

For more info head on over to 

Lori Anderson's blog 

Pretty Things

to get more info

Much love

Shell 

New Year's Revelations

For the past few weeks, I have been contemplating my life

I really hate that introspection that leaves

me feeling unfinished, unhappy

My biggest revelation

It is MY life

It does not belong to anyone else.. Only me .. Mine .. I am in charge

I make the decisions...I am the boss of me

All of my life - and I mean all of my life - I have worried about others..

what others have thought about me .. how they think about me .. what others need from me

what I can do to make others happy.. how can I fit in

I have realized that those things that have made me truly happy and content, 

I have done because I wanted to do them

Its sad to say, but the very first decision that I made that truly made me happy 

was deciding to step out of others expectations of me and start dating my husband.

There was a ruckus.. a big, huge ruckus....when I made this decision

He was (many years ago) 29 years old,

divorced with 3 little boys

and here I was in my 2nd year (of my first attempt at college) 19 years old

You can imagine how this conversation with my parents went

The next decision that made me truly happy was deciding

that I was ready to be a mom.

It didn't matter to me that I wasn't married

I was (and still am) in love with the man that I was (am) with

I would like to say that all my decisions before and after were 

based on what I wanted and not what others wanted of me

but then I would be lying.. and I hate that.

The ones that matter are 

finding a true best friend

(you know the kind that seem to be the missing part of you)

deciding to have my second son

deciding to finally marry my love

deciding to accept custody of my wonderful step children

deciding to go back to school (bachelor's)

deciding to go back to school again (master's)

My life has been hard.. no need to go into the gory details

all of that is behind me and I very much dislike to dwell

on these horrible things from my past.

There may still be hard times in my future,

but i have love - true love - to help me through

I feel like a 60 year-old woman in the body of a 30-something year old

When did I stop allowing myself to have fun?

Wait? What? Have I ever allowed myself to really have fun?

So my revelation for the new year - because I REFUSE to call it 

a resolution - is to allow myself to have more fun

Yes ALLOW myself

I have been the one that has been making me feeling

like I am on the outside looking in

unwanted, unloved

I want to be happy being on the outside.. a misfit

that is who I am

The struggling and fighting to fit in with everyone else

and their expectations of me

is making me miserable

So here's to a new year of

making more decision that make ME happy

allow me to be creative

allow me to find myself

to be comfortable with who I am

I hope that each of you have a truly blessed new year

Here's to 2012

Much Love,

Shell